I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
