Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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