I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
