all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
