I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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