home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
