I don't usually arrange sex via text message
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
