I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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