My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
