My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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