I want to have your abortion
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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