let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
