dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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