my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
