this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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