just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
