Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
