I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
