Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize