Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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