i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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