Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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