Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
