Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
