On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
