you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
