wanna go halves on a baby?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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