Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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