she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Randomize
