Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
God I need to hump something, right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
