you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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