I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
