im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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