He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
