I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
