Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
