we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
