whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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