I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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