I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
