I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Your cock deserves a montage
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
