Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize