1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
