I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize