Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize