lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
