so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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