I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just threw up on my dentist
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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