I skipped work to stalk him.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Less talking, more tequila
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize