when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
