I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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