i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize