I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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