Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
