and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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