Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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