oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
