that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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