Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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