I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
