I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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